Doing Light instead of Wrong
I left Home at age seventeen
Finally I had fulfilled my Dream
Of Escape
Yet I brought with me my own Self-hate
As I made my Way to Spain
I began to Learn how to Live again
But It was a Long Road
Carrying a Heavy load
Years Filled with Anxiety and Depression
As I set about Undoing these Childhood lessons
There were Times I was on the Brink
When All I could do was think
If It gets so bad I can always Leave
But I couldn’t Allow my mum to Be bereaved
I walked around with holes in my Heart
So Many nights spent sitting in the Dark
Filled with an Endless Restlessness
Ill at ease with a kind of Forgetfulness
Wondering but hitting an Inner Wall
As time and Time again I’d Fall
Into Empty black holes
A tar covering my Soul
When all I could think of was wanting to die
Yet Something In me Seen That I made it by
Weeks, months and years dragged by and my Whole Body Ached
Not out my teens but I guess I was Aged
I Copied my mum, started to smoke
Needed something to help me Cope
And in the absence of Hope
There’s nothin’ wrong with a bit of dope
Though I wished I wouldn’t have so Many sweets
But that’s what You eat when you’re Feeling sad
I guess it’s like if you had
A kind of Comforting cover
Letting you Know
At least Somethin’ Loves ya
Doesn’t have to be sweets
Could Be crisps or kebabs you eat
Could Be a glass of whisky neat
Could Be a pill
One, two three
Could Be cutting your wrist in the shape of a zee
Whatever It may Be
It started Becoming Clear to me
Maybe I had some kind of Disease…
I did try to get Help
But I didn’t Know what to Tell
Or Express how I Felt
I didn’t Know This wasn’t Good Health
Cause I’d never really Known anything else
I guess some Pain runs so Deep
Into Your very Veins and Bones it Seeps
And so It was a part of me
Something no medical doctor could See
Though they may have had years of Training
Looking at Body parts and naming
All the different bits
But Life, they don’t Know
What It Is
I Felt the doctor had nothing to Offer
Though she gave me some Information
But I couldn’t Hear what she was sayin’
Something about counselling sessions…
But Something Inside started Stressin’
Cause I’d just had a big Confession
And I didn’t Know how to get In
To the counselling place
I didn’t want Others to Know I was a disgrace
So I went away
Declined the offer of those pills
The Ones they say will make You better
But I Knew no amount of drugs can ever undo
What We Go through that gives Birth
To such Feelings
Maybe best just to Feel ‘em?
I took some leaflets
Leafin’ through ‘em
Then I threw them
In the bin
And Something begins
To WAKE UP
I’ve had Enough
Something Deeper was Explainin’
This Is a Warrior in Trainin’
And I would like to Be an ALARMer
The NHS is an outlet for Big Pharma
It’s not for Healing
It is to Harm US
A Social Control mechanism
There to keep Suppressin’
The things Within Us that need Expressin’
So We can be gettin’
Up
And gettin’ on
Doing Light
Instead of Wrong
